The Creepy Mansion in the Spooky Woods
by Wesker Chick
Summary: It’s been done before…BUT I DON’T CARE! Wesker is a hair gel addict, Chris is a moron beyond comprehension, Jill has anger management issues…I take the Remake storyline, drop it in a blender,and hit puree! [Chap 7 is up]
1. The Narrator and I

**DISCLAIMER: I do NOT own Resident Evil, it belongs to Capcom. Nor do I own any brand names that happen to pop up. I only own me and the Narrator.**

_**A/N: **Ok, everything in italics is the narrator, everything in bold/italic is actually me talking. I hope you all enjoy this complete and total idiocy that is my rip-off of Remake. BTW you will be seeing conversations with me and the narrator several times during the fic. ENJOY!_

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_Chapter IV_

_A long time ago in a Galaxy far, far away…oh wait, wrong script, hold on a second…_

_**There is several minutes of rustling, while our intrepid narrator tries to find the script he is supposed to be reading from. See this is what you get when you pay really low wages. Then again I did tell this guy he was getting a part in the remake of the first Star Wars movie, not some cheap fan fic knockoff of the original Resident Evil game. Plus he hasn't found out yet that is part is extremely small and he only shows up at the beginning and end of every chapter, with the exception of this chapter of course. Ah well, what he don't know won't hurt me. **_

_Ahem…_

_**Oh wait, I think he's ready now…**_

_Chapter I_

_A not such a long time ago in a small Midwestern town, that really doesn't exist except for the sake of this particular fan fic, there was a mansion…the Spencer Mansion. The Spencer Mansion was a beautiful piece of architecture designed by one George Trevor for a certain Umbrella Founder named Sir Ozwell Spencer._

_Now despite being a beautiful piece of architecture the Spencer Mansion was one huge pain in the ass to build and an even bigger pain in the ass to work in, not there is supposed to be anyone there in the first place but we'll get to that later. _

_Anyway…_

_The reason the Spencer Mansion was such a pain in the ass to build was because of Sir Ozwell Spencer. Besides being co-discover of the 'Mother Virus', co-founder of Umbrella, and a reasonably intelligent scientist…he' s also a complete and total nutcase. Several employees also claimed he liked to dress in women's clothing but we have been unable to locate these employees to get further information. _

_Though we really shouldn't put all the blame on Sir Spencer for the way the mansion turned out, I mean we have eyewitnesses that claim to have seen Trevor smoking odd looking red and green herbs during the mansion's construction. This would of course explain why the mansion was built on top of a bunch of tunnels that you have to turn with a crank in order to walk through, why doors can only be unlocked with certain keys that are hidden in strange places, why the there are two elevators and only one ever works, why there is a freaky lion head in a closet, why there are at least a dozen antique typewriters in various rooms for no apparent reason, and why there is only one working bathroom. _

_Maybe that's why Sir Spencer had Trevor and his family experimented on and later killed, well except Lisa who's still hanging about and begging for scraps from the scientists that aren't supposed to be there working in an underground lab that wasn't built. _

_I know, I'm confused too._

_But this story is not just about a freaky mansion built by a herb junkie and a complete nutcase. This story is also about twelve individuals who will be visiting this beautiful, if somewhat sadistic, piece of architecture. Ok, maybe not twelve. Three of them die before getting there…not to mention…_

_**HEY! Could you like not give away plot points of the story in the opening freaking narration!**_

_Shut-up, I'm just reading the damn script YOU gave me. Sheesh…now what was I saying? Oh yea the nine people that are going to go visit the mansion. _

_Not far from this mansion, which happens to have been built out in the middle of some spooooooky woods, is that small Midwestern town I was talking about earlier…Raccoon City. You will find many lovely things to see in Raccoon City, including:_

_Kendo's Gun Shop_

_The Clock Tower_

_The Hospital_

_The Secret Underground Umbrella Labs_

_But the place were are currently interested in is the R.P.D. Raccoon City Police Department for those of you unfamiliar with the term R.P.D. Now, inside the R.P.D. are the nine people who will be running around the mansion all night. Well except for like two of them that die shortly after arriving, then there's the one that gets shot down in the tunnels, not to mention the guy who takes off in the chopper and leaves everyone to die, and let's not forget the guy who dies saving someone's life. I'm not going to count the guy that dies in the end, since he does run around the mansion for most of the night. Though I suppose he really had that other guy running around for him. In fact, I'm not even sure what that guy, the one who dies in the end, was really doing the whole time he was at the mansion._

_**Can we please get back on topic?**_

_Oh right, sorry. Anyway, there are like five people that are going to be running around this mansion all night. This is of course not counting the soon-to-be-dead-guys and the guy that takes off in the chopper. All twelve of these individuals, including the -soon-to-be-dead-guys and the guy that takes off in the chopper, work for the Special Tactics and Rescue Service, S.T.A.R.S. for short. Think of them as an elite S.W.A.T. unit only with nicer uniforms and a smaller office. _

_Do I really have to go through this stupid list? I mean are the dead guys really that important, well soon-to-be-dead-guys…_

_**No talkie, no paycheck…**_

_I hate you…_

_**You and everyone else, now start with the list…but since you bring up a good point, you don't have to worry about the soon-to-be-dead-guys…Richard and Enrico don't count though…**_

_And just who are our intrepid…OH MY GOD… do I really have to call them that!_

_**I'm holding your paycheck over the shredder right now…**_

_That's just wrong you know…_

_**Sucks to be you now doesn't it? Start talking narrator boy!**_

_Deep breaths, happy thoughts…alright as I was saying. And just who are our intrepid…I can't believe I have to say this…heroes? _

_First we have the Captain of the S.T.A.R.S. team, Albert Wesker. Wesker is intelligent, proficient, no nonsense, cold, treacherous, and has an exceptionally cute…HUH! _

_Great I get a gig with a fan girl writing the script. Just to think I could have been doing Dell commercials. _

_**That paycheck is getting closer and closer to the shredder…**_

_Yea, yea. Wesker also has one teeny tiny problem, well besides working for Umbrella and being an evil, evil man, he has a slight addiction to hair care products. You know like hair gel and hair spray._

_Moving on…_

_Next on the Alpha Team we have Christopher Redfield. Chris is not too bad looking though he has the slight tendency to laugh stupidly and strike very annoying poses. Just what is his damage you may be asking? He has the IQ of a toaster…and that's a big insult to the toaster._

_Next on our list is Jill Valentine. Jill is a strong willed young woman, capable, and the master of unlocking. She also has a few anger management issues and, for some unknown reason, has the hots for Chris._

_Fourth on our list is Barry Burton. Barry is the oldest member of the team and resident gun nut. Of course being the resident gun nut is not necessarily a good thing when you can't hit the broad side of a barn and you happen to like shiny objects, or practically any object, a bit too much. He's easily sidetracked._

_Then there's Joseph Frost, awe yes, Joseph. Joseph has the minor inconvience of being overly spastic and giggles like a twelve year old girl. Don't worry, he won't last long...though a tad longer than some of those soon-to-be-dead-guys._

_Rounding out the Alpha team is Brad Vickers. Brad, unfortunately, is scared of everything. Trees, rocks… pieces of lint. This makes for a lot of screaming at the office._

_Next on our list, the Bravo Team. They're just as screwed up as the Alpha Team._

_At the top of the list is Enrico Marini. Enrico is second oldest and second in command. He's also has a high squeaky voice, irritating laugh, and the tendency to point out the obvious. His IQ is at least better than Chris' and does indeed range into the double digits._

_Next is Richard Aiken. Richard isn't really a bad guy though he appears to have a crush on Chris, God knows why anyone would find that moron attractive._

_Third up is the youngest member of the S.T.A.R.S. team, Rebecca Chambers. Rebecca is sweet, unassuming, a bit naive, bubbly, and a kleptomaniac. Watch your personally possessions closely or she'll pocket them in a heartbeat._

_Next is Kevin. Kevin has no last name because…well…because he's one of those soon-to-be-dead-guys._

_Then there is Forest Speyer aka soon-to-be-dead-guy. _

_Then there is Kenneth Sullivan aka soon-to-be-dead-guy. _

_Finally the last S.T.A.R.S. member, Edward Dewy aka soon-to-be-dead-guy. _

_Now, with the introductions aside, let me just stress how important these people are. I know it's a stretch but work with me here. They are about to walk into a nightmare Umbrella has created, you know in that lab that wasn't built. They are the only thing standing between Umbrella's creatures and the total annihilation of Raccoon City…_

_Umm…if you happen to live in Raccoon, I'd pack up and move. Like right now…_


	2. A Crack Team or a Team on Crack?

_When last we left our…oh wait, this is the first chapter isn't it? We haven't even gotten to the relevant story arcs yet, my bad. Let's see here, where is page one of this stupid thing…ah here it is. Ahem…_

_August 1998. _

_We find Raccoon City in the midst of a panic. Unexplained murders have been plaguing the city for several weeks. Victims have apparently been eaten. Of course we assume they've been eaten because of the things the R.P.D. C.S.I. found at the crime scenes. First of all was the various bite wounds on the victims, both human and animal. They also located some blood stained cutlery, a couple napkins, and some BBQ sauce. Tests would later reveal that a few of the victims had also been dowsed with hot sauce, mustard, ketchup, and at least one had been marinated in Hidden Valley Ranch salad dressing._

_In an effort to calm the citizens of Raccoon, not to mention heighten his chances for reelection, Irons decides to send in the S.T.A.R.S. Bravo Team to investigate…_

Wesker stared at his desk for several seconds, trying to remember just what it was he was looking for. I guess all that hair gel huffing has destroyed more than a few of his brain cells. He leaned down, eyes skimming the neat labels on his desk drawers.

**-S.T.A.R.S. Junk**

**-People I Plan on Killing**

**-Secret Umbrella Files Concerning the Various B.O.W. that Don't Really Exist**

**-Secret Contracts With the HCF**

**-Back Issues of Treacherous Bastard Monthly**

**-Hair Care Products**

**-The Story's Plot and Scripts**

Wesker scratched at his well gelled hair, still trying to figure out what he was looking for, when it suddenly hit him. He'd been looking for the S.T.A.R.S. roster so he could send the Bravo Team to their deaths in the woods. He snatched up the list, skimmed it over, and headed out the door to track down his crack team of victims. It should be pointed out that not five minutes before he had his minor brain lapse he'd announced that the Bravo Team should report to the roof, geared up, and ready to leave. As was already stated, he's killed off quite a few brain cells thus far.

Wesker left the office, his usual look of contempt and scorn on his face. Wesker wasn't one for being a nice guy, although he did harbor a love for puppies, kittens, and basically all animals in general.

He stepped into the out onto the landing, sneering at the two idiotic looking statues Irons had insisted on putting there. The man had absolute no taste for art at all. He glanced around and spotted Forest climbing the stairs, sporting a black eye. Wesker rolled his eyes, hidden well beneath his Ralph Lauren Matrix rip-off sunglasses, at Forest's newest injury.

"Speyer what the hell did you do this time?" Wesker smirked. "Have an argument with a grade schooler?"

"No." Forest shook his head and leaned against the wall. "I got hit by a door."

"How the hell did you get hit by a door?"

Forest sighed, then turned toward a door directly behind him. Incidentally this door actually goes to the hallway which in turn leads to the library. Normally it won't open, this is entirely for no good reason. Well, of course later the door will be barricaded to prevent zombies from running around the station, but that is another story. Back to the topic at hand.

"See I was going in a door like so." Forest reached toward the door handle. "Then all of a sudden…"

…**_THUNK…_**

Suddenly and without warning the door flew open hitting Forest right in the nose. He stumbled, fell backwards, and landed on his butt in the middle of the landing.

"I think that is all the explanation I will require."

Wesker shook his head as Chris peeked around the corner of the door.

"Did you just hear a loud **_THUNK_**?" Chris glance down at Forest, going slightly cross-eyed. "What are you doing down there?"

"I got hit by a door." Forest mumbled, hand covering his now bloody nose.

"Oh." Chris paused for a moment attempting to think. "I heard a **_THUNK_**."

"Yes Captain dumb ass you heard a **_THUNK_**. You heard a **_THUNK_** because you just hit Forest with the frigging door!"

"I did?" Chris stared at the ceiling, still trying to think. "All I did was walk through the door."

Then, as if to prove just how stupid he really is, Chris shut the door and opened it again.

…**_THUNK…_**

Forest fell flat on his back as the door slammed into his head once more, the handle giving him another black eye to match the first. Wesker pinched the bridge of his nose, wishing he had a can of hairspray on him right at this moment in time.

"I heard a **_THUNK_**." Chris mumbled as Forest climbed to his feet. "Did anyone else hear a **_THUNK_**? It happens every time I open this door."

Then, as if you hadn't already figure out how stupid Chris is he's going to reinforce the fact.

Chris pulled the door shut and swung it open a third time. Luckily for Forest's face Wesker reached out and stopped the door with the palm of his hand.

_**..thud…**_

"Now I heard a **_thud_**." Chris looked up at Wesker, going cross-eyed again. "Hey there Mr. Scowling Blonde Haired Man, have you seen Captain Wesker? He's about your height, with the same blonde hair, and black Ralph Lauren Matrix rip-off sunglasses."

Just as Wesker was contemplating killing Chris in the most painful way possible something else happened.

"AHHHHHHHHH!"

Everyone on the landing cringed as the ear splitting yell reverberated through the station. The yell was quickly followed by very loud footfalls and a slamming door.

"I'M GONNA DIE!"

"Ooof!"

Wesker stumbled forward, almost tripping over Forest as Brad did a superman leap through the air and landed on his back. After scrambling around for a moment or two Brad finally found refuge atop Wesker's shoulders, his arms firmly wrapped around Wesker's head and face.

"Mr. Scowley Man you have a Scardy Man on your head." Chris grinned stupidly.

"Muffle…muffle…muffle."

Then, to add more action to the current scene, several gunshots rang out from the hallway below. The gunshots were quickly followed by a wet plopping sound, as some poor unsuspecting R.P.D. officer fell to the floor mortally wounded, and several obscenities. Seconds later Richard came running up the stairs followed by an irate looking Jill. From the waving around of the 9mm Wesker ascertained that Jill was responsible for the shooting that had occurred only seconds ago.

"Come back here you fluff!" Jill bounded up the stairs, taking several pot shots at Richard as she ran. "I'm going to blow your head off!"

"I'M GONNA DIE!" Brad chirped from his perch atop Wesker's head.

"Stay away from me you hell bitch!"

Richard dove through the door Chris was standing behind and took refuge behind Chris legs. Jill came to a skidding halt, growling with rage at Richard's apparent cowardice. Everyone knew hiding behind Chris was the best way to avoid getting maimed and/or killed by Jill, as she wouldn't do a thing that might harm her precious Chrisy-Poo.

"Muffle…muffle…muffle…"

"What?" Jill glared at Wesker. "What did you say?"

"MUFFLE…MUFFLE…MUFFLE!"

"I can't understand a word you're saying with Brad on your head." Jill snapped.

"Well, I ah…got to go!"

Richard took off like a shot, heading for the roof. Wesker rolled his eyes as the little group of misfits quickly dispersed to go about their business. With the exception of Brad who seemed content to stay on Wesker's head, shaking and whimpering.

_As you can see, this is not a crack team of experts we have here. In fact I would go so far as to call them complete screw-ups and the sad part is we've only met like six of them. The other ones are just as bad. Unfortunately these morons is all that stands between you and a horrible death involving zombies. _

_If I were you, I'd make sure my will was in order…_


	3. An Unexplainable Crash Involving a Bomb

_When we left our crack team of idiots they were standing in a hallway not doing anything important. In fact they were just engaging in mindless stupidity. So to hurry things along and spare you as much mindless drivel as possible let's move on to one of the relevant story arcs of the fic, shall we?_

_The Bravo Team took off from the R.P.D., heading toward the Arklay Forest in search of the cannibal murderers. What they were about to find was something much worse. Not to mention their part of the story would only be half-ass explained in Resident Evil: Zero._

_For the benefit of those watching at home the following chapter will mostly be in script form, so it is easier to understand and read since you are 'hearing' everything over the radio…just who is she kidding, it's really because she's too lazy to write it out properly…_

_**I heard that…**_

_I meant for you to hear that you little gnome of evilness…_

_**That wasn't very nice you know…**_

_It wasn't meant to be nice…_

_**I think I'll go cry now. You have no idea how hard it is to write these fics!**_

_Oh great, she's gone all emotional…_

_**Oh just you wait till chapter four…**_

_Uh…anyway, they are flying over the forest now, Joseph is monitoring the radio…_

Joseph: (over the radio sitting comfortably back at the station) This is command to Bravo Chopper, Delta-46578-48903-9778-9038-7989308-409839058732-978748-9237-4893-27894578-239758-23740...do you copy?

Kevin: That is by far the longest and stupidest identification number for a frigging chopper I have ever heard.

Joseph: (giggling spastically) I made it up myself! Now how are you doing?

Kevin: Oh just peachy, why I can't wait to die a horrible and meaningless death by zombie dogs.

Joseph: (sweat drops)

Forest: (in the background) OWWWW!

Rebecca: Sir! Forest just hurt himself with the seatbelt!

Enrico: He hurt himself with a seatbelt? What an accident prone person.

Richard: Well duh!

…**slapping noise…**

Edward: Oww…geez Rebecca.

Rebecca: Keep your wandering hands to yourself idiot.

Kenneth: Hey guys…I think there is something on the rotor of the chopper…

Enrico: Kenneth you have an overactive imagination…there is nothing out there.

Forest: Oww…

Richard: Sir, Forest just poked himself in the eye with a piece of lint…

Kenneth: No, there is something out there. It looks like several sticks of dynamite taped to the rotor with a timer.

Enrico: It's just your imagination…

Richard: Who took my shotgun?

Rebecca: (playing with Richard's shotgun) Haven't seen it.

…**exploding sounds…**

Kevin: Bravo Chopper, Delta -big long ass number- to base…we're about to crash thanks to several sticks of dynamite taped to the rotor of the chopper…

Joseph: (giggles stupidly while looking slightly confused)

Enrico: WE'RE GOING DOWN!

Richard: I'LL ALWAYS LOVE YOU CHIRS!

Forest: THIS IS NOT MY FAULT!

Kenneth: I TOLD YOU SO!

Rebecca: EDWARD GET YOUR HAND OFF MY ASS!

Edward: YOU'RE NO FUN!

…**loud crashing noises and the radio goes dead…**

Back at the S.T.A.R.S. office Joseph stares at radio for several seconds, giggling spastically. He giggles, it's what he does. Finally he turns toward Captain Wesker who is currently sitting behind his desk, sniffing a large tube of White Rain hair gel.

"Sir, there as been an unexplainable engine problem on the Bravo Chopper." Joseph giggles again. "I think they crashed."

"Well, we should investigate!" Wesker slurs, waving his arms around for no apparent reason. "But we'll wait till tomorrow."

"Uh…why?"

"Because Rebecca needs time to find her partner character and have a big adventure before turning into a wuss and depending solely on Chris to get her out of the mansion." Wesker takes another hit off the hair gel. "Besides I'm busy."

_Uh…yea…umm…have I mentioned how stupid these people are?_


	4. To Zombie Mansion…Huzzah!

_When we left off last chapter the Bravo Chopper had crashed thanks to several pounds of explosives taped to the rotor. Of course this is explained off as an mysterious engine failure, proving that video game players are very gullible…_

_**Ok, now you've gone too far narrator boy!**_

_And just what are you going to do, fire me?_

_**No, I'm going to torture with a discussion about all the things I love about Wesker…**_

_Dear God, shoot me now…_

_**First of all…**_

_Uh, guys you really don't want to hear about this, so why don't you run along where it's safe and read the next chapter. _

_The Alpha team is flying over the Arklay Forest searching for their compatriots…_

_Oh and pray for me will you…_

"Are we there yet?" Chris whined from the back of the chopper. "I'm hungry!"

Wesker took another hit off his hair gel, just hoping for an opportune moment to kill the little bastard. Of course with the perpetually PMS-ing Ms. Valentine sitting back there it just wasn't a good idea to try that right now. So instead of indulging in his vicious, and somewhat homicidal desires, Wesker took another hit of hair gel.

Also in the back of the chopper was Barry and Joseph. The former was staring at a shiny penny sitting on the floor of the chopper while the latter grinned stupidly and giggled over nothing in particular.

"I'm scared." Brad whimpered, looking back and forth between the chopper's controls and the window. "What if we crash too?"

"That is not going to happen Vickers." Wesker snapped, primping his already over gelled hair. "We have nothing to worry about."

Just then the check engine light came on.

"Oh my God…WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE!

Brad then proceeded to have a full on freak attack. To which no one paid any attention in the slightest, with the exception of Jill who threatened to unman him. This produced a universal shudder throughout the chopper.

"We're gonna crash just like the Bravo chopper!"

"We are not going to crash!" Wesker roared. "This chopper is in perfect working order and does not have several sticks of dynamite tapped to the rotor, thank you very much!"

This very loud and somewhat strange statement caused everyone on the chopper to stare at Wesker. Well, except Chris who was still whining about being hungry and was absently wondering if Chicken of the Sea was really chicken or tuna. Wesker cleared his throat, quickly turning his attention out the window.

"Uh…look, smoke!"

"Where?" Barry shoved Joseph out of the way and pressed his face against the window of the chopper like an over excited cocker spaniel. "Pretty…"

"I'm hungry." Chris chimed in. "Are we there yet?"

Several minutes later the chopper had safely landed, despite Brad's numerous screams and fantasies of a fiery death. Everyone shuffled out of the chopper except Joseph and Chris, who both bailed out like a couple of ten year olds on a school field trip…but that is beside the point.

"Alright, we shall now split up and investigate." Wesker slurred, waving his arms around in a rather dramatic way. "I'm going that way!"

With a big flourish Wesker pointed to the left and bounded off. Oh yea the Captain be flying higher than a kite at this point. Jill let out a string of rather harsh obscenities, strong enough to make a sailor blush, and headed into some tall grass. Barry headed to the right, no doubt looking for shiny objects. Chris sort of skipped around stupidly until he spotted a squirrel and gave chase. Joseph headed for the remains of the Bravo chopper.

"Whee, fun, fun, fun…eww what's that?" Joseph narrowed his eyes, trying to get a better look. "Oh it's Kevin! Yo, Kevin, wake up dude."

Before going any further perhaps I should perhaps explain the state of Kevin at this point in time. Kevin is dead… as a doornail. Half of his face is gone and his neck is a bloody mess of tissue and bone. He is not breathing, he is not moaning, and he is not moving. Flies are already circling above his head.

As I said, he's dead.

But apparently Joseph missed the class in first aide where they explained how to recognize when someone is dead. The reason I say this is because instead of letting everyone know that Kevin was dead he reached over and gave Kevin's shoulder a rough shake. Due to Kevin's massive injuries, his head fell off. Joseph giggled as Kevin's head rolled across the floor of the chopper, fell out the door, and landed in the grass.

"Coooooool…show me how to do that!"

Thankfully several Cerberus chose that exact moment to attack.

"Doggies!" Chris shouted as the Cerberus tore a still giggling Joseph to shreds. "Jill! There are cute doggies!"

At this rather loud, and incredibly stupid, outburst the entire Alpha team came running over.

"Oh, that's gotta hurt." Jill giggled, despite the horrendous site before her. "Serves the little idiot right though."

Barry said nothing, opting instead to look at the big shiny chopper. Wesker decided, despite his original plan to lure the Alpha team to the mansion and collect combat data thus allowing him to take that cozy job with the HCF, that perhaps something had gone wrong and now would be a good time to leave.

"Umm…to the chopper!"

Wesker took off like a rabbit on crack, followed closely by Barry and Jill. The latter was dragging a very unhappy Chris along behind her. He was upset because she wouldn't let him pet the cute doggies that were still eating the now dead, thank God, Joseph.

However their flight to safety was short lived. Above them the Alpha chopper was taking off for parts unknown. Now you would think that Brad fled the area due to Joseph's recent demise by a group of zombie dogs. You would be wrong. He took off in the chopper, leaving everyone to die, because he looked out the window and saw…

…wait for it…

…a spider.

"Shit." Wesker mumbled. "Um…to the creepy mansion filled with undead people and monsters!"

This comment elicited a confused look from everyone present. Wesker, giggled then coughed, and finally regained a little bit of control over the situation. He really need to cut down on his huffing, outbursts like that were not good. At least he was working with a bunch of morons or his great plan would be ruined.

"What I mean is, I saw a large mansion while I was wandering around in the woods over there." Wesker pointed to the left. "I think we should head there."

"Who died and made you king!" Jill snapped. "I don't have to listen to you!"

"Uh…actually you do." Now Wesker was confused. "I'm your freaking boss for Christ's sake!"

Before Jill could completely snap into a homicidal frenzy several of the Cerberus lost interest in what was left of Joseph, which wasn't a whole lot I can tell you, and started to wander toward the remaining Alpha team members. Deciding she could kill Wesker later, Jill took off toward the mansion, with everyone else following close behind…

_Oh God…three hours…three hours I had to listen to her go on and on and on…_

_**Hey, Narrator boy…time to work!**_

_I'm never pissing her off again, never…_

_**Did you hear me! I said it's time to work!**_

_Yes ma'm. _

_Well this is certainly a bad situation the Alpha team is finding themselves in. Kevin is dead, Joseph is dead, Wesker is high, Jill is pissed, Barry is looking for shiny objects, Brad has left them to die a horrible and painful death, and Chris is unhappy he can't pet the cute doggies._

_What horrors will they discover in the Mansion? Is the Bravo Team still alive? Will Wesker get back to Raccoon in time to return "Air Bud" to Blockbuster or will he have to pay late fees?_

_Who knows…_


	5. Spencer’s Mansion of Fun Filled Horrors

_**A/N: **First off I'm glad everyone is enjoying the story thus far. Two things I would like to mention though. Yes, the size of the chapters for this particular story are rather small. It's intentional. For this type of story I prefer smaller chapters instead of really big ones. Secondly in the last chapter is was noted that I kind of repeated the same line twice:_

Wesker took another hit off his hair gel, just hoping for an opportune moment to kill the little bastard. Of course with the perpetually PMS-ing Ms. Valentine sitting back there it just wasn't a good idea to try that right now. So instead of indulging in his vicious, and somewhat homicidal desires, Wesker took another hit of hair gel.

_Yes, the repetition was intentional. Although I had hoped to change the sentence structure around slightly before I put that chapter up. I forgot, sorry. Most of this story was written several months ago and I forgot to go back in reread several parts of it._

_Anyway, now you know…on with the hilarity!_

_

* * *

_

_In the last chapter the Alpha team had escaped certain death, with the exception of Joseph though I doubt he will be missed, by running into a large creepy mansion that Wesker found by accident. Yea…riiiiiight…_

_Anyway…_

_So the remaining S.T.A.R.S. members are safe in the empty lobby of the mansion, or so they think. I mean if they were safe there wouldn't really be much of a story now would there?_

"WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU DON'T KNOW WHERE CHRIS IS!"

Jill's voice echoed in the large lobby, as did the snapping sound Wesker's neck was making as she tried to throttle him. In fact she was punctuating each word with a rough shake of his head as she continually squeezed his neck. Poor guy is going to have whiplash after this.

"air…" Wesker gagged, trying to pry Jill's hands off his throat. "must…breath…"

"YOU TELL ME WHERE MY CHRISY-POO IS YOU HAIR GEL HUFFING BLONDE BIMBO!"

Wesker gagged a few more times and started turning a rather strange shade of blue. A few more minutes and this particular series was going to end quick, fast, and in a hurry. However something prevented Jill from killing Wesker at that particular time and no it wasn't Barry, who just happened to be playing with a nearby typewriter and ignoring the entire situation. Instead it was…

…**BANG…CRASH…BANG…BANG…BANG…**

"Whee…squishy men are fun!"

…**BANG…BANG…BANG…BANG…BANG…click…click…**

Jill released her stranglehold on Wesker, who promptly fell to the floor coughing and gagging, and spun around looking for where the gun shots could have come from. It was pretty obvious who was shooting, what with the stupid proclamation of _Whee…squishy men are fun! _Nobody but Chris was that dense.

"I'm going to find Chrisy-Poo!" Jill shouted, heading toward the dining room. "Come on Barry."

"I'll just…(**cough)**…stay here…(**hack)**…and secure…(**wheeze)**…the lobby."

"Whatever."

Jill kicked open the door to the dining room, only to be assaulted by an overly loud and annoying grandfather clock. She mumbled a few well placed obscenities and moved toward another door at the rear of the dining hall. Suddenly Barry ran past her, knocking her to the floor with a loud thud, and bent over a large red pool of liquid.

"It's blood!" Barry then leaned closer, his nose only inches from the substance. "I hope it's not Chris' blood."

…**SMACK**…

Barry's head snapped forward and crashed into the blood pool. Jill stood behind him, massaging her right hand, sore from hitting Barry's abnormally hard head.

"Ooooo, it's not blood!" Barry's voice was slightly muffled as his head was still in the red substance. "It's kool-aide! Ummm…you go look for Chris, I'll be examining this."

"I hate you Barry."

"Yummy!"

Jill shook her head and headed through the door, leaving Barry to **examine** his pool of kool-aide.

Meanwhile back in the lobby, Wesker was going over his notes for his evil plan.

"Inject self with unproven virus given to me by Dr. Birkin, check. Blow up Bravo chopper, check. Lure Alpha team into mansion, check. Disappear for parts unknown only to be seen like three times and thus leaving everyone to wonder just where the hell I am…"

Wesker glanced around the lobby, laughed evilly, and then disappeared through a set of double doors behind him.

Back in the hallway, Jill had discovered a rather gruesome site. Kenneth was making out with some guy and a rather ghetto looking to guy at that.

"Oh that is just sick."

Jill made a loud gagging noise and attempted to delete the image from her brain as soon as possible. In the midst of smacking herself in the head, to rid her of the image of course, the ghetto man turned toward her.

"Oh…my…God…it's wearing lipstick."

Jill slowly backed away from the ghetto drag queen, heading for the door she came through. As the ghetto drag queen stood up, Kenneth's head fell off.

"Phew." Jill sighed with relief. "It's just a zombie eating one of my fellow S.T.A.R.S. members, for a minute I was worried."

The zombie let out a long moan and shambled toward her. Jill, not wanting to become lunch, headed back through the door from whence she came. Barry was just finishing up his kool-aide pool when Jill ran over to him and smacked him in the back of the head.

"Barry, shoot that zombie for me will ya?"

"Huh?"

Just then the zombie opened the door and shambled into the dining room. Barry raised his magnum and…

_I don't mean to interrupt this gripping narrative but I just got to mention something that has been bugging me for like ever. Why in the name of all that is holy can this zombie, and only this zombie, open a freaking door? I mean no other zombie can open a door. Is this guy like King of the Zombies or something?_

_**Maybe he's just smarter than the average zombie…**_

_Yea right. More than likely some Capcom employee forgot just what a zombie can and cannot do and by the time they figured out the mistake they didn't feel like fixing the problem._

_**Fine I'll change it!**_

Just then the zombie **_pushed_** open the door and shambled into the dining room.

_**Happy now?**_

_Why yes, yes I am._

_**Good, can we continue with the story now?**_

_Why yes, yes we can._

It took Barry ten minutes to kill the advancing zombie. This is because he is a terrible shot and had to reload the magnum five times. By the second reload Jill was kind of hoping the zombie would eat him. But, alas, it did not happen.

With the hope of Barry dying a painful and somewhat messy death unfulfilled, Jill slid off the table and headed back toward the lobby.

"Come on Barry we have to tell Wesker what happened."

"Ok!"

Jill headed back toward the lobby, kicking the door clean off its hinges as she made her entrance. However Wesker was no where in site…

"WHERE THE HELL DID THAT HAIR GEL ADDICT GO?"

_Where has Wesker run off to? Where is Chris and is he now out of bullets? Will Barry survive and does anyone really care? Will Jill get over her anger issues? Why do I keep asking stupid questions?_

_Stay tuned for our next chapter when we try to answer some of these questions and create more questions, thus confusing everyone to the point of madness…_


	6. Insanity Plus Stupidity Equals Teamwork

**A/N: **_I apologize in advance, VERY short chapter!_

_

* * *

_

_Ok, so here's what's going on. First the Alpha team wound up in the mansion. Then Jill tried to kill Wesker, then she smacked Barry, then she happened upon Kenneth getting eaten by a zombie. Which, incidentally, she thought was some kind of weirded out kissing session. So then Barry took ten minutes to kill a zombie and then both him and Jill went back to the lobby to find Wesker._

_Now that you're up to speed let's get on with the next chapter of this screwed up story…_

Jill checked the lobby for about one minute and couldn't find Wesker. Barry took twenty minutes to look and that includes looking under the typewriter. He only quit looking when Jill smacked him. They traded some conversation including Barry handing Jill some lock picks and calling her the 'Mast of Unlocking'. Jill then stomped out of the lobby leaving a bloody and unconscious Barry on the floor.

Basically those two aren't getting along, go figure. While they were busy fighting and Wesker was busy hiding, Chris was upstairs indulging in random stupidity.

Let's watch…

Chris skipped through the hallway in a mindless way that only the truly stupid possess, meaning it was with boundless and pointless enthusiasm. He hummed, he whistled, he pranced, he almost got bitten by like five zombies. Finally he ran out of hallway and wound up at a door. This is going to get interesting folks. After staring at the door and drooling for several minutes he finally remembered how to open it.

The door slammed open, crashed into the wall, and ruined the wallpaper. Chris bounded through and struck a heroic and very stupid looking pose.

"The door has been destroyed! I am the winner!"

Several zombies that had been following him turned to look at each other, shook their heads, and shambled off to chew on something far less stupid and annoying. Chris, obviously, did not notice any of this. Instead he circled the railing, got dizzy…well, dizzier than usual…tripped, and fell down the stairs. Upon landing he jumped to his feet, struck another pose, and shouted…

"I'm ok!"

Not that anyone really cared. He looked around and saw another door. Taking a few minutes less than the last time, Chris threw the door open. He grinned and prepared to strike yet another pose when his face suddenly made contact with a bat.

"You're not eating my cute yet incredibly firm ass!"

Chris stumbled a bit then the bat crashed down on his head. He hit the floor with a loud thud, still trying to pose.

"Die zombie bastard!"

Rebecca let out a Xenia: Warrior Princess battle cry, jumped through the air, and brought the bat down on Chris' back. She then proceeded to beat him about the head and face with as much power as she could muster. After several minutes of this she sat down on the floor breathing heavily.

"There, that will teach you."

"I like waffles…" Chris moaned through the haze of pain. "Can I be a mongoose dog?"

"Chris?" Rebecca quickly chucked the bat under a nearby bed and rolled Chris over. "Oh dear, who did this to you?"

"I dooon't knooooow."

Rebecca took charge of the situation, mixed up some local herbs she had found, and chucked them down his throat. In five seconds Chris was back on his feet, heroic pose and all.

"So where is everyone?"

Chris shrugged, looking all cool. "Don't know. Joseph was playing with some doggies! When we ran here I saw one of them heading into the woods with one of his legs."

"Yea, ok. Anyway we need find a way out of here. So, I'll tell you what. You go look for some way out, I'll stay here and secure this room."

Rebecca smiled and shoved him out the door. Seconds later the door slammed in Chris' face. Undeterred, Chris bounded off to find a way out. What he didn't notice was that Rebecca had thieved both his gun and combat knife, leaving him completely unarmed. Not that it really mattered much, Chris still had his stupidity as a defense.

Meanwhile in some other area of the mansion we find Wesker indulging in his own brand of stupidity. He was sitting in the library playing Devil May Cry on the PS2. So much for leadership.

_As you can see teamwork is not in anyone's vocabulary here in the Spencer Mansion. _

_What's going to happen next? I don't know but I bet it's something stupid…_


	7. Wesker’s Brain on Hair Gel

_Ok, so in the last chapter, Rebecca stole Chris' gun and combat knife leaving him with stupidity as his only defense.With the amount of stupidity Chris can generate he should be able to kill a tyrant with very little effort._

_Anyway…_

_Wesker is the topic of our chapter this evening. Seeing as how the authoress is a Rabid Fan Girl, it surprises me he wasn't the main topic of all the chapters._

_**One must have variety…**_

_Yea right…you couldn't figure out how to do it could you?_

_**I don't know what you are talking about…(cough)…(cough)…**_

_I'm right! You couldn't figure out how to make Wesker the primary character for the whole fic. Oh yea baby, who's your Daddy!_

_**Should I perhaps re-inform you of all the things I adore about my cute little Albie? I assure you the list is at least two hours longer than last time.**_

_So we find Wesker still in the Mansion's Library, playing Devil May Cry and sniffing hair gel…_

_**Much better…**_

Wesker leapt to his feet and proceeded to jump up and down like a moron.

"Oh yea! Take that Mundus…WHO'S YOUR DADDY!"

While Wesker was dancing around like a fan girl at a game convention, he failed to notice that he had in fact not completed the game. If he had hung around for just a few more seconds he would have seen that he had only killed Mundus once and that he still had to run through the castle and fight Mundus in the sewers a second time. Of course it was now too late as Dante's heath gauge ran out and Wesker was all out of yellow orbs.

But as aforementioned, Wesker did not notice all this. So after dancing around for another ten minutes he finally got himself together and took a hit of hair gel. Another ten minutes later, which he spent staring glassy eyed at the static on the TV set, he finally left the library. Of course he left the library screaming something about being attacked by the Demonic Muppets…repeat…Demonic **_Muppets_**…but that is beside the point.

Anyway…sometime later…

Wesker grinned evilly and reached for the door handle. He twisted it several times and the large steel door would not budge. His face contorted in rage as he spun around and saw that the exceptionally cool looking _Stone-and-Metal Object_, hereafter referred to as the Umbrella Plate Thingy, was missing. Wesker let out a long bellow of rage and slammed his fist into the steel door, not a really bright idea.

"Owwweeeeee!"

Wesker whimpered for a few more minutes, massaging his broken and mangled hand. Finally he took yet another hit of hair gel, he seems to do that a lot, and gathered his thoughts.

Twenty minutes later he tried the door again, discovered it was still locked, that the Umbrella Plate Thingy was still missing, let out yet another bellow of rage, and once more slammed his injured fist into the steel door.

"AHHHHHHHHH…SHIT THAT HURTS!"

Several miles away, deep below Raccoon City, Dr. Birkin looked up…wondering who the hell was screaming.

Back at the door, Wesker cradled his now shattered right hand and took several deep breaths. His evil and analytical mind slowly slogged through his hair gel haze to try and figure out what to do. Finally he figured out a plan of action.

"I'm out of Doritos."

He glanced into his empty Doritos bag and headed off to the kitchen, the issue of the door apparently forgotten in favor of his need for munchies.

He arrived in the kitchen after expertly avoiding both Chris and Jill. Not that it really took much effort with Chris chasing after a couple Cerberus, who looked frightened beyond words and were whimpering a great deal, and Jill indulging in some homicidal tendencies by repeatedly banging a poor zombie's head into a wall before setting him on fire and moving on to her next victim.

Just as Wesker was pulling a large bag of Doritos out of a cabinet, Barry fell down the stairs and landed at his feet.

"Captain!" Barry jumped to his feet, grabbing Wesker's injured right hand and squeezing it. "Jill and I thought you got eaten by one of those walking dead people, when we couldn't find you in the lobby!"

"AHHHHHHH!"

"I know, we were really worried. Well Jill didn't actually seem too worried, in fact she looked kind of happy about it." Barry grinned even further, still gripping Wesker's shattered hand. "Are you ok? You look paler than usual."

Wesker jerked his hand out of Barry's, tears streaming down his cheeks. Right at that moment he was prepared to kill Barry with extreme prejudice. Unfortunately his right hand was not usable and he was holding the Doritos in his left hand, which meant that in order to grab his gun he would have to drop the Doritos…something he was apparently unwilling to do. I have no idea why.

Instead he figured he might be able to make use of the drooling idiot that was standing in front of him…well...uh…drooling.

"Barry we have to get out of the mansion, but the back door is locked." He huddled closer to Barry, looking around before whispering in his ear. "I have a special top-secret-classified-for-your-eyes-only mission for you."

"Coooooool."

"We need to find an Umbrella Plate Thingy. It's a shiny object…"

"Shiny Object! WHERE!" Barry's eyes darted all over the kitchen. "WHERE SHINY OBJECT?"

"Well you have to find it Barry…find that shiny object!" Wesker pointed toward the kitchen door. "Go on boy, find the shiny object!"

Barry took off like Licker on crack, bounding up the steps and out the door. Wesker grinned widely and headed back up to the Library with his bag of Doritos, thinking that he might be able to play Chaos Legion with just one good hand…

_Ah so poor little Wesker is injured, Barry is chasing shiny objects, Chris is chasing Cerberus, Jill is killing zombies with extreme prejudice, and Rebecca is still in hiding._

_What is going to happen next I wonder?_


End file.
